POETRY IN PREDICAMENT

There are people who take delight by crushing someone else’s morale instead of helping them boost their understanding toward things. I was in Tiendesitas the other day. I was in some accessory section browsing through cheap finds when a lady asked the saleslady about a certain type of stone.

“Miss, anong stone ito?”

“Uhm, amethyst po.” Sagot ng saleslady.

“Niloloko mo ako eh, Indian Sapphire yan!” said the lady.

Natahimik tuloy yun saleslady. Think she even felt stupid. I dunno. Kung ako siguro yun saleslady malamang nasagot ko yun babae ng “Ikaw ang manloloko, alam mo na pala kung ano itatanong mo pa!” hehe or if I were her malamang hindi ako magtitinda ng hindi ko alam kung ano yun binebenta ko Somehow we gotta be on the know coz there are people who base their worth with the knowledge that they are smarter than the others. It’s normal to have pride but to redeem your worth through humiliating others especially in front of a crowd, abnormal yun!  

I thought about the field I am in. How much knowledge do I already acquire? Wala naman ako plano magpaka-henyo dito. In fact I am the type who won’t exert too much effort sa mga bagay-bagay just to be on top. My main objection was to be of service and make my service profitable at the same time. If I feel elated because I am on top or ahead than the rest with what I know, good. If I feel below or left behind its either aalamin ko (kung interesado ako) or I would just let it pass. I would not spend my time humiliating people with what I know and I’d rather be without people who have a tendency to make me feel like I am some dumb ass, lumalayo talaga ako sa mga taong ganun. Take this as a good example:

                There was a customer who came to my shop and asked about our merchandize. I introduced every product with all my knowledge. Then he asked me “bakit mas expensive ang cocoon silk over jusi when they are both silk?” Napa-isip ako dun. Ofcourse it must be about the composition of material, but I do not know exactly what. He must be curious as well. So he pulled out a lighter and lit a small part of both materials and he came up with a conclusion that was helpful to his knowledge and mine.

·         Jusi is made of synthetic silk.

·         Cocoon is composed of synthetic and natural silk.

Imagine how wonderful life would be kung ganyan ang klase ng tao that you will come across. It’s an absolute truth that there are only two types of people in the world. The REAL and the WANNA BE’s. Where you belong is a choice.

On my way home dealing with heavy traffic and hard rain I realized how much I am messing up with my work. There’s this hunger and a need to fill it up. I lack the motivation because I was already too familiar with what I am doing, familiar about the skills I lack that I needed to learn. I’ve been changing my mind over the past years whether to study or not but this time it had to push through or I’d risk going stagnant.

“So many quiet walks to take. So many dreams to wake…” they play constantly in my mind.

The night just gave me a taste of what I’ve been missing.

It rained so hard. I had to run upstairs and check after the windows. I had to pull all the clothes hanging outside the porch. I had to run at the gate and check on the dog to see if he’s ok, but this time I had to pause because I can’t find any umbrella. So I went back to the couch,.. pero na-konsensya naman ako. The dog wasn’t complaining, he’s too old to do so. Not unlike the young ones who’d cry for attention. But that’s just it! Alam mong may nag-titiis and you know you can do something. Hay nako… so I took a large towel to cover myself, run from the side door to the other door and opened the gate to release the poor old dog. And we both run! Ayun nauna pa yun aso papasok ng bahay. Think I was all drenched than him. Now why am I telling these things? Because it helps a lot to reflect with even the simplest and mundane stuff. I ran after those things because that time I wasn’t only thinking about myself. And that made me feel a little selfless. With its slightest feel, I feel sane. And suddenly the world seem such a perfect place =)

I’ve been missing a lot of things. A lot of people.

Over the past months I’ve made myself “unavailable” to most invitations and events. And if only I could make an excuse for not attending a funeral of a nearest relative, I would. (hay bad!)

I wasn’t around simply because I am tired of the same old questions, tired of my same old answers. Tired of the same old praises that doesn’t fit. And if I would just ignore or play around with what they are asking, they’d probably think of only two things about me:

1) suplada ako

2) bukod nalang _______ ako (maganda ako!) haha kidding!

Seriously, that’s the main reason why – E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D ako! If you know what that means.

The night gave me an even stranger feeling. Bigla akong nalungkot.

Because I was trying to forget but found myself remembering. When I think about certain people and things that I must forget dun talaga ako pinaka-nalulungkot. Kasi naman BAKIT? Why must I push and deny myself of certain hopes and dreams…why must I deny my feelings? Coz that way wala akong napapa-hamak, that way everyone around me can have their peace and with that peace maybe I’d find mine. Sabi nga “True peace comes from humble suffering.” And I want to try. I used to always fight for what I believed in but this time I decided to give up. This time I want to stop proving that I was right about my life and the choices I’ve made because I only seem to argue when there’s really no need to prove. My friend once told me to simply obey, to follow. To stop thinking that anything that goes beyond the line I’ve made would ruin my perfect plan because I could only make plans anyway, making them happen is out of my tiny li’l hands. I was told to stay still, be patient, be humble, to just do the right things kasi yun lang naman ang pwede kong gawin na magiging maganda ang resulta. Kung hindi man ngayon maybe in the long run I’d see. Now you know I know how it is to listen. Hmm… panay masaya naman ang na-alala ko ah. Eh bat bigla akong nalungkot? Haha sometimes it’s weird and ironic. Like I said:

“Perhaps those are the things that make it hard. Knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours”.

Then maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to realize so I could finally tell myself to - be happy to where that happiness belongs. Because no matter what we do, we could only let those happiness touch and dance at the palm of our hands and when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, let go. LET GO! (repeat 11,000 times, in front of the mirror, shouting)

“Coz when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, no closing of fists because that would only crush the beauty we see”.

Even the good things must come to an end. They are often the ones that run out fast. Kahit ano pang endeavour meron ang tao, it all comes down to a certain goal: to be happy, have peace, to love and most of all be loved (cheeesssyyyy!) But am I not right? In fact yan na yata ang pinaka-gasgas na linya that we’ll ever hear in our whole existence and for someone like me who’s so much a believer in love, it could get more gasgas than that at wala akong pakialam! haha What’s important is when time and chance conspired once again, you know how to recognize love love love. Hayyy…my knees are starting to get weak

Ok, that’s what I’ve been trying to say here, props lang yun ulan at aso. He-he

I guess the night just performed a miracle.

Because I was never so admitting nor am I so accepting of my vulnerabilities.

Never.

But tonight I simply gave up and it never felt this good.

As the world tries to survive, I must learn how to live.

When we made it here there was not a hole in the universe that was made for us to easily fit.

And I can’t tell yet which star is mine.

Somewhere beyond my eyes could see there’s a place for me and there he’d also be.

My life’s not too exciting.

It is even boring.

But sometimes I can’t help but think it is stranger than fiction.

She hugged me goodbye.

“You’ve been so kind to me.” She said, almost in a whisper.

I tried not to look, kept myself busy with notes and details of my day’s work.

“My daughter also cried knowing she’s not gonna see you like she used to.” She continued.

“We’ll miss you.”

I could have cried. I could have asked why. I could have apologized for the troubles I have somehow caused her.

 “We’ll still see each other, it’s not like you’re moving to another planet.”

Out of the many things I could have said, that was all that came out of me.

Because I hate hearing goodbyes.

Because all I’ve ever wanted was for friends like her to come and stay and never leave.

If someone has to go I’d rather just know and not see them turn their backs and walk away because it ain’t easy.

It’s been nearly five years. We have witnessed so many things together. But then all of us have to decide, to be somewhere, to grow.

She gave a smile amid the tears, then leaves.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I’ve been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I’d be better off without you here.
And I bet you’re sweet and hard to get over.
So I’ll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that’s okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I’m fed it.
But this time i’ll just have to.
Yeah this time i’ll just have to.

And I’m fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

Say you’re not around, Am I finished?
If you’re not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

I’m still fragile,
I’m still hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.

And I’m fragile,
I am hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.

Cause I am fragile,
hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.

Just so recently I’ve discovered that I get fired once every 3 weeks… only to find myself working the next day.

I am starting to feel like there are people and things and dreams that are no longer worth pursuing.

And looking back I realized the things I shouldn’t have pursued… because they just don’t make sense, really.

But then those people and things that I have had and met are also the ones that had made me realize these things. Better to put it that way. And I just hate regrets.

It is indeed a mad world. So I’ll just wear my biggest grin =)

Don’t forget to wear yours.

If I have forever, I’d like to stay as a child.

I’d spend the rainy days beside my window,

I’d reach for the raindrops and sprinkle them on my face.

I’d go out and dance.

I’d make paper boats.

If I have forever, I wanna be in first grade over and over.

Every line and circles I’d draw,

Everything’s a first. Everything’s new.

I’d have apples and chocolate drinks on my lunchbox.

I’d wear pigtails too! =)

If I have forever, I’d take everything I want to my heart’s delight.

Strawberry jams, ham and cheese waffles, peach mango pies.

I’d down a tumbler of PikNik and a dozen blueberry Dutchmills.

If I have forever, I’d play all throughout the summer.

I’d climb trees and steal mangoes and guavas.

I’d tease the geese and let them chase me until I’m safe up a tree.

I’d pick black plums and eat ‘em til my lips turn black.

If I have forever, I’d write without using a scratch.

I’d pour all of my heart’s content and post them without fear.

I’d say a lot of things even all of my follies.

I won’t even erase or change a line.

If I have forever, I’d like to fall inlove and stay that way.

If forever’s what I have in my tiny li’l hands

I’d spend every morning making breakfast for him.

I’d make pancakes and sunny side ups.

I’d put gel on his brush =)

I’d end each day telling stories of how it’s been.

We’d stay young. We’d run around like kids.

If I have forever, I’d live the dream.

But forever’s a dream itself.

If you have forever in your hands,

HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?

How many times have you been told to cut some slack?

Or how many times have you said the same thing to someone?

Just so recently I’ve discovered that for the last couple of months and days I’ve been surrounded by pretty nice and wonderful people. People who tried (and are still trying) to convince me that I am worth their time and they are worth mine. People who came in my most boring days to give me some taste of their salad life. People I barely knew and who barely knew me who chose to unveil their pains and let me witness their tears. I was hearing myself giving an advice, saying things I should have said to myself. I was making others to realize some things I should have realized for my own. And at the end of every conversation I would end up saying, “It’s easier when you’re outside the looking glass.”

What’s inside your glass that you’ve never seen on someone else’s?

Yet we act like they are all new and unconquered.

What are the things you know but you haven’t really thought about? Maybe a lot to mention.

 

 

We know exactly how we wanted things to turn out, to end up but are too reluctant to alter our ways. So there goes the unpleasant result and most of us settle for just “getting used to it” and that because we are temporal beings we know things will eventually change. So little did we realize that time just ticks, every second is a piece of our lives we waste by just wishing and waiting for a better tomorrow.

Life is now, now!

So I encourage you to get up on your feet, live the life, don’t be scared.

What I’m saying might be inside your glass, so close and vast and you’re even immersed to think it’s possible to take gulps. But it is possible. I do not know. But the fact that we weren’t made and given life only to get doomed that’s where you’ll get the strength because you know there’s a way to get out of the rut you’re in. We just have to be ready.

And so I was preparing myself for the many realities to come, sure most of them are not the ones I want but they are the ones I need. Sure as they come I’d be confused and mad but eventually they will make me the person that I am destined to become. So I guess I should stop being reluctant to change my wrong ways if I really want things to turn out right.

And if I really care about now, I must ACT now.

I must learn how to forgive.

Loosen up.

I should smile more often.

Speak softly.

Listen harder.

Be more patient, I mean real patient without any stain of pretention.

And most of all… BELIEVE again, HOPE again.

And I just can’t be too cynical and pessimistic, no, not for me

And not for you too.   

Psalm 20:1-5 (New International Version)

Last night was crazy fun. ‘Twas a Saturday. Black Saturday. I spent the day working, watching the streets. Everybody’s out except me. Everybody’s having fun, except me, again. So I thought of going out with my dear friends, texted them, sadly may lovelife yun isa kaya hindi sya available.

6:30 pm was when I got home from work. My night’s all planned (but not quite), unloaded the car with stuff that’s not too necessary to accompany me. Hinabilin ko lang yun black sling bag, not to take it away kasi andun wallet ko eh. So my brother parked the car and I went up to brush my teeth.

Must have been 6:45 when I reached a friend’s home. Greeted his mom, chika-chika ng konti, tinext yun isa pa namin kaibigan at tinawagan pa, kinulit, binulaga, binigla pero hindi na daw sya kaya ng biglaan naming diskarte kaya bigo kami. I noticed my black sling bag’s not in the car, hay sabi ng wag alisin eh! Wala akong pera dahil andun ang wallet ko, andun din ang lisensya ko. But i was too lazy to go back home. So, ito na muna kaibigan ko ang bahala sa bill ko, si batman na muna ang bahala sa pagda-drive ko ng walang lisensya. While driving along the streets without any clear idea where to go naisipan naming manood ng T2, tutal dadalawa naman kami, magtakutan nalang kami hehe But it’s almost half past 7pm, malamang di kami abot ng LFS but we tried anyway.

At ayun hindi nga kami umabot, we’re 15mins late. We thought about it, pwede na din sana kahit di namin mapanood yun first part but they just won’t sell us tickets. Bigo part 2.

While thinking of another “trip” we stood and wait at the circle (lahat yata ng mall may circle). And we saw a newly opened coffee shop, so pasok kami. Maganda naman yun ambience. Medyo mainit lang talaga ang panahon kaya we wanted to have some frappe.

“You serve coffee, right?” i had to ask kasi bago eh at tsaka they are mostly selling handicrafts that are all from Laguna.

“Yes,ma’am pero hot coffee na lang po ang available” sagot ng attendant. (Ano ba naman to).

“Can we have your menu?” Inabot ang menu.

MENU

Coffee

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah= represents the variety of drinks and coffee they serve.

Pasta

Spaghetti

Carbonara

–nothing follows–

Walang pastries. Ang corny naman spaghetti at mainit na kape. Hindi pa kami nagdi-dinner.

7:45 we thought SIGE NA NGA, KAPE NALANG.

“Until what time are you open?” tanong ko.

“Until 8pm po.”

Naku mukhang magmamadali kami nito sa pag-inom ng kape.

“Sige miss, thank you nalang.” Lumabas nalang kami. Bigo part 3.

“CPBS?” Deal.

Past 8pm, CPBS.

Kami palang ang laman ng parking lot. Too early, sabagay hindi naman kami pumunta para talaga mag-inom. Kain trip lang talaga, tsaka yun malapit para di nakaka-stress.

“Good evening sir, ma’am!” we were greeted.

Sobrang accommodating yun attendant, as in sobra. Nakaka-pikon din kaya yun! Agree ka? Hehe

Walang frappe, kaya nauwi kami sa shake.

They serve sandwiches, great.

They also have pasta, sabi pa nga nun waiter:

“Yes sir meron, medyo matagal nga lang kasi hindi naman po kami katulad ng Jolibee na pre-cooked na ang pasta”. (may halong pagkukumpara pa!Tignan nga natin ang pasta nyo. Hehe)

We talked about a great deal of things. How things have been. We talked about age and reason, how circumstances can make us feel old or young before our time. We talked about the decisions we made to help us alter our wrong ways. We talked about our perfect world and how an asshole would always appear in the picture. We talked about certain people. How hard it is to get over them. I talked about how a person could be so imperfect in our eyes, in our mind, in our senses, but they’re all we’ve ever wanted in our hearts and we love them despite the imperfections. We talked about our other friend, murdered her through our words (kidding!), how she had found someone who seem normal enough and we are sincerely happy for her. I talked about standards and asked his opinion about mine which he quickly dismissed, said it’s history and he already gave his say long time ago. We even talked about religion, how the old tradition had somehow became a show off – showing off beaus, the material stuff, the clothes they wear, and their stand in the community. We talked about them not in the green-eyed manner, not in a judgemental way but just through our observations. We tried to dismiss the all the negativity. Said it’s better to just think of all the good things that had happened but I thought perhaps those are the things that make it hard, knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours. He said someday I’ll marry, have kids, I’d be happy in love and I would just laugh at the thought of these present sentiments. But that’s the thing there, existing at the present moment, where everything is so real. He said I lost some screw and I haven’t fixed anything kaya ‘wag ako mag-expect. I said I needed time because this is how I deal. He even said an old cliché, “there’s a purpose in it” and we both laughed, as loud as we could because there is something strange with the common saying, you get to hear it only when you are troubled. “Troubled in a perfect world?” We laughed at the irony. We’ve always been cheerful yet we tried to cheer each other more. Gave each other an advice from our realization over the past weeks and months that we’re not out together. I wanted to ask him something but then I caught myself because I knew the answer in my heart so I made that question to appear like a statement.

“We are not good seeing each other more often than we do. Pang once in a blue moon lang talaga ang drama natin, ano sa palagay mo? Coz I was thinking since I need to finally keep balance in my life, I’d like to ask you, how often can you do this? I mean going out, but then I thought right away, we are better this way and beyond this we are no good.”

“Yeah, we’re so much the same. We have a tendency to clash kaya mabuti nang ganito nalang.”

I smiled.

It’s that innate feeling, the knowing that keeps our friendship apart from any other friendship. And how I wish I could be that ready and intrinsic in other aspect. Yun tipong hindi nagha-hangad more than I can only have. Wish I could be that brave to accept what’s only in store for me with that someonelse’s heart. I knew I was loved because I was deserving and kahit sinong karapat-dapat eh minamahal. But that ain’t something we wish of having in our lives.

“We seek to give and not to receive”. I said.

He said we seek for both and it’s insane to say we just came for the former and not the latter.

And yes, I also hope that though I may appear so imperfect in that someone else’s eye, he’d love me despite. Somehow I need to feel the presence of that someone while I am walking alone in the path. He doesn’t have to be outside the looking glass while I am inside being consumed, confused.

On our way home I said I could have drank more than I did para mas masaya ang drive pauwi pero sabi nya buti nalang hindi.

By the time we got home I realized I AM THE ASSHOLE IN MY OWN PERFECT WORLD.

Thank you.

And by the way, I owe you for my bill

Cornered in every way, no escape from insanity.

Been running, running… it’s never ending.

Do you know how it feels to stop believing?

Or the way to go when you start to doubt everyone?

Holding on without any certainty, life’s riding on turbulence.

How do you explain when you’re stuck with reasons?

Driven in the wilderness of your own soul?

 Lost and confused.

I swallowed each and every bitter pill that was placed in my palm.

I am poisoned, poisoned… without you knowing.

Will I ever get to understand the cliché I’ve been told?

Some day’s so far away. It is now I care about.

It’s you I ever loved so true. I dedicated my life to you.

Probably I’ll stay to dig some more.

Wait for the rain to wash my tainted soul.

I’ll wait for the skies to open up and shed some light.

I’ll stand at my door, wait for the morning.

I’d still hope for change…

That I may become that change.