POETRY IN PREDICAMENT

SOURCE: THE MANILA TIMES by MARK J. MACAPAGAL

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people.

Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something.

There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal,

the one you’re with and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect,

but the timing was wrong.

There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry,

but the cards just didn’t fall the right way.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long-time partner that is,

does not lie merely in the other person.

I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?

When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with,

it just doesn’t work.  Small problems become big; inconsequentially become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows.  It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good;

it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your

life, but it’ll work because you’re ready.

It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived.

And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully, you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason,

the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?”

You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away.

Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us.

But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and

this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright.

It’s never nice to live with a “might have been”, but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing.

 You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different.

What do you do if it’s not too late? Simple? Find him. Find her.

Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got

that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone,

 “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

Everything happens for a reason!!

Easy Mondays.

Killer Tuesdays.

Entertaining Wednesdays.

Exhausting Thursdays.

And the rest is a mixture of all.

This will be the longest 8 weeks of my life…

Tiny bits of memories in my brain,

Seem to break this old rusty chain.

Trying, flickering, wanting to remember…

Deep I know I haven’t forgotten.

I looked, I clicked, I paused.

These are the memories that make me feel old,

To recall how good we’ve been.

How real it felt.

So far away… they are but a distant reality.

Far beyond or behind,

They are no longer here…

So lost, forgotten.

I was standing in a brewing storm.

I lost something I should have won.

I could have fought for you.

I could have…

Tiny bits of memories in my brain,

So lost, so far away…

I wish I still knew how to start again with you.

“So many quiet walks to take. So many dreams to wake…” they play constantly in my mind.

The night just gave me a taste of what I’ve been missing.

It rained so hard. I had to run upstairs and check after the windows. I had to pull all the clothes hanging outside the porch. I had to run at the gate and check on the dog to see if he’s ok, but this time I had to pause because I can’t find any umbrella. So I went back to the couch,.. pero na-konsensya naman ako. The dog wasn’t complaining, he’s too old to do so. Not unlike the young ones who’d cry for attention. But that’s just it! Alam mong may nag-titiis and you know you can do something. Hay nako… so I took a large towel to cover myself, run from the side door to the other door and opened the gate to release the poor old dog. And we both run! Ayun nauna pa yun aso papasok ng bahay. Think I was all drenched than him. Now why am I telling these things? Because it helps a lot to reflect with even the simplest and mundane stuff. I ran after those things because that time I wasn’t only thinking about myself. And that made me feel a little selfless. With its slightest feel, I feel sane. And suddenly the world seem such a perfect place =)

I’ve been missing a lot of things. A lot of people.

Over the past months I’ve made myself “unavailable” to most invitations and events. And if only I could make an excuse for not attending a funeral of a nearest relative, I would. (hay bad!)

I wasn’t around simply because I am tired of the same old questions, tired of my same old answers. Tired of the same old praises that doesn’t fit. And if I would just ignore or play around with what they are asking, they’d probably think of only two things about me:

1) suplada ako

2) bukod nalang _______ ako (maganda ako!) haha kidding!

Seriously, that’s the main reason why – E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D ako! If you know what that means.

The night gave me an even stranger feeling. Bigla akong nalungkot.

Because I was trying to forget but found myself remembering. When I think about certain people and things that I must forget dun talaga ako pinaka-nalulungkot. Kasi naman BAKIT? Why must I push and deny myself of certain hopes and dreams…why must I deny my feelings? Coz that way wala akong napapa-hamak, that way everyone around me can have their peace and with that peace maybe I’d find mine. Sabi nga “True peace comes from humble suffering.” And I want to try. I used to always fight for what I believed in but this time I decided to give up. This time I want to stop proving that I was right about my life and the choices I’ve made because I only seem to argue when there’s really no need to prove. My friend once told me to simply obey, to follow. To stop thinking that anything that goes beyond the line I’ve made would ruin my perfect plan because I could only make plans anyway, making them happen is out of my tiny li’l hands. I was told to stay still, be patient, be humble, to just do the right things kasi yun lang naman ang pwede kong gawin na magiging maganda ang resulta. Kung hindi man ngayon maybe in the long run I’d see. Now you know I know how it is to listen. Hmm… panay masaya naman ang na-alala ko ah. Eh bat bigla akong nalungkot? Haha sometimes it’s weird and ironic. Like I said:

“Perhaps those are the things that make it hard. Knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours”.

Then maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to realize so I could finally tell myself to - be happy to where that happiness belongs. Because no matter what we do, we could only let those happiness touch and dance at the palm of our hands and when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, let go. LET GO! (repeat 11,000 times, in front of the mirror, shouting)

“Coz when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, no closing of fists because that would only crush the beauty we see”.

Even the good things must come to an end. They are often the ones that run out fast. Kahit ano pang endeavour meron ang tao, it all comes down to a certain goal: to be happy, have peace, to love and most of all be loved (cheeesssyyyy!) But am I not right? In fact yan na yata ang pinaka-gasgas na linya that we’ll ever hear in our whole existence and for someone like me who’s so much a believer in love, it could get more gasgas than that at wala akong pakialam! haha What’s important is when time and chance conspired once again, you know how to recognize love love love. Hayyy…my knees are starting to get weak

Ok, that’s what I’ve been trying to say here, props lang yun ulan at aso. He-he

I guess the night just performed a miracle.

Because I was never so admitting nor am I so accepting of my vulnerabilities.

Never.

But tonight I simply gave up and it never felt this good.

As the world tries to survive, I must learn how to live.

When we made it here there was not a hole in the universe that was made for us to easily fit.

And I can’t tell yet which star is mine.

Somewhere beyond my eyes could see there’s a place for me and there he’d also be.

My life’s not too exciting.

It is even boring.

But sometimes I can’t help but think it is stranger than fiction.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I’ve been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I’d be better off without you here.
And I bet you’re sweet and hard to get over.
So I’ll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that’s okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I’m fed it.
But this time i’ll just have to.
Yeah this time i’ll just have to.

And I’m fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

Say you’re not around, Am I finished?
If you’re not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

I’m still fragile,
I’m still hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.

And I’m fragile,
I am hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.

Cause I am fragile,
hopeless,
I’m not perfect,
But I am free.