POETRY IN PREDICAMENT

“So many quiet walks to take. So many dreams to wake…” they play constantly in my mind.

The night just gave me a taste of what I’ve been missing.

It rained so hard. I had to run upstairs and check after the windows. I had to pull all the clothes hanging outside the porch. I had to run at the gate and check on the dog to see if he’s ok, but this time I had to pause because I can’t find any umbrella. So I went back to the couch,.. pero na-konsensya naman ako. The dog wasn’t complaining, he’s too old to do so. Not unlike the young ones who’d cry for attention. But that’s just it! Alam mong may nag-titiis and you know you can do something. Hay nako… so I took a large towel to cover myself, run from the side door to the other door and opened the gate to release the poor old dog. And we both run! Ayun nauna pa yun aso papasok ng bahay. Think I was all drenched than him. Now why am I telling these things? Because it helps a lot to reflect with even the simplest and mundane stuff. I ran after those things because that time I wasn’t only thinking about myself. And that made me feel a little selfless. With its slightest feel, I feel sane. And suddenly the world seem such a perfect place =)

I’ve been missing a lot of things. A lot of people.

Over the past months I’ve made myself “unavailable” to most invitations and events. And if only I could make an excuse for not attending a funeral of a nearest relative, I would. (hay bad!)

I wasn’t around simply because I am tired of the same old questions, tired of my same old answers. Tired of the same old praises that doesn’t fit. And if I would just ignore or play around with what they are asking, they’d probably think of only two things about me:

1) suplada ako

2) bukod nalang _______ ako (maganda ako!) haha kidding!

Seriously, that’s the main reason why – E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D ako! If you know what that means.

The night gave me an even stranger feeling. Bigla akong nalungkot.

Because I was trying to forget but found myself remembering. When I think about certain people and things that I must forget dun talaga ako pinaka-nalulungkot. Kasi naman BAKIT? Why must I push and deny myself of certain hopes and dreams…why must I deny my feelings? Coz that way wala akong napapa-hamak, that way everyone around me can have their peace and with that peace maybe I’d find mine. Sabi nga “True peace comes from humble suffering.” And I want to try. I used to always fight for what I believed in but this time I decided to give up. This time I want to stop proving that I was right about my life and the choices I’ve made because I only seem to argue when there’s really no need to prove. My friend once told me to simply obey, to follow. To stop thinking that anything that goes beyond the line I’ve made would ruin my perfect plan because I could only make plans anyway, making them happen is out of my tiny li’l hands. I was told to stay still, be patient, be humble, to just do the right things kasi yun lang naman ang pwede kong gawin na magiging maganda ang resulta. Kung hindi man ngayon maybe in the long run I’d see. Now you know I know how it is to listen. Hmm… panay masaya naman ang na-alala ko ah. Eh bat bigla akong nalungkot? Haha sometimes it’s weird and ironic. Like I said:

“Perhaps those are the things that make it hard. Knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours”.

Then maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to realize so I could finally tell myself to - be happy to where that happiness belongs. Because no matter what we do, we could only let those happiness touch and dance at the palm of our hands and when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, let go. LET GO! (repeat 11,000 times, in front of the mirror, shouting)

“Coz when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, no closing of fists because that would only crush the beauty we see”.

Even the good things must come to an end. They are often the ones that run out fast. Kahit ano pang endeavour meron ang tao, it all comes down to a certain goal: to be happy, have peace, to love and most of all be loved (cheeesssyyyy!) But am I not right? In fact yan na yata ang pinaka-gasgas na linya that we’ll ever hear in our whole existence and for someone like me who’s so much a believer in love, it could get more gasgas than that at wala akong pakialam! haha What’s important is when time and chance conspired once again, you know how to recognize love love love. Hayyy…my knees are starting to get weak

Ok, that’s what I’ve been trying to say here, props lang yun ulan at aso. He-he

I guess the night just performed a miracle.

Because I was never so admitting nor am I so accepting of my vulnerabilities.

Never.

But tonight I simply gave up and it never felt this good.

As the world tries to survive, I must learn how to live.

When we made it here there was not a hole in the universe that was made for us to easily fit.

And I can’t tell yet which star is mine.

Somewhere beyond my eyes could see there’s a place for me and there he’d also be.

My life’s not too exciting.

It is even boring.

But sometimes I can’t help but think it is stranger than fiction.