POETRY IN PREDICAMENT

“So many quiet walks to take. So many dreams to wake…” they play constantly in my mind.

The night just gave me a taste of what I’ve been missing.

It rained so hard. I had to run upstairs and check after the windows. I had to pull all the clothes hanging outside the porch. I had to run at the gate and check on the dog to see if he’s ok, but this time I had to pause because I can’t find any umbrella. So I went back to the couch,.. pero na-konsensya naman ako. The dog wasn’t complaining, he’s too old to do so. Not unlike the young ones who’d cry for attention. But that’s just it! Alam mong may nag-titiis and you know you can do something. Hay nako… so I took a large towel to cover myself, run from the side door to the other door and opened the gate to release the poor old dog. And we both run! Ayun nauna pa yun aso papasok ng bahay. Think I was all drenched than him. Now why am I telling these things? Because it helps a lot to reflect with even the simplest and mundane stuff. I ran after those things because that time I wasn’t only thinking about myself. And that made me feel a little selfless. With its slightest feel, I feel sane. And suddenly the world seem such a perfect place =)

I’ve been missing a lot of things. A lot of people.

Over the past months I’ve made myself “unavailable” to most invitations and events. And if only I could make an excuse for not attending a funeral of a nearest relative, I would. (hay bad!)

I wasn’t around simply because I am tired of the same old questions, tired of my same old answers. Tired of the same old praises that doesn’t fit. And if I would just ignore or play around with what they are asking, they’d probably think of only two things about me:

1) suplada ako

2) bukod nalang _______ ako (maganda ako!) haha kidding!

Seriously, that’s the main reason why – E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D ako! If you know what that means.

The night gave me an even stranger feeling. Bigla akong nalungkot.

Because I was trying to forget but found myself remembering. When I think about certain people and things that I must forget dun talaga ako pinaka-nalulungkot. Kasi naman BAKIT? Why must I push and deny myself of certain hopes and dreams…why must I deny my feelings? Coz that way wala akong napapa-hamak, that way everyone around me can have their peace and with that peace maybe I’d find mine. Sabi nga “True peace comes from humble suffering.” And I want to try. I used to always fight for what I believed in but this time I decided to give up. This time I want to stop proving that I was right about my life and the choices I’ve made because I only seem to argue when there’s really no need to prove. My friend once told me to simply obey, to follow. To stop thinking that anything that goes beyond the line I’ve made would ruin my perfect plan because I could only make plans anyway, making them happen is out of my tiny li’l hands. I was told to stay still, be patient, be humble, to just do the right things kasi yun lang naman ang pwede kong gawin na magiging maganda ang resulta. Kung hindi man ngayon maybe in the long run I’d see. Now you know I know how it is to listen. Hmm… panay masaya naman ang na-alala ko ah. Eh bat bigla akong nalungkot? Haha sometimes it’s weird and ironic. Like I said:

“Perhaps those are the things that make it hard. Knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours”.

Then maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to realize so I could finally tell myself to - be happy to where that happiness belongs. Because no matter what we do, we could only let those happiness touch and dance at the palm of our hands and when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, let go. LET GO! (repeat 11,000 times, in front of the mirror, shouting)

“Coz when they had to fly away we have no choice but to let go, no closing of fists because that would only crush the beauty we see”.

Even the good things must come to an end. They are often the ones that run out fast. Kahit ano pang endeavour meron ang tao, it all comes down to a certain goal: to be happy, have peace, to love and most of all be loved (cheeesssyyyy!) But am I not right? In fact yan na yata ang pinaka-gasgas na linya that we’ll ever hear in our whole existence and for someone like me who’s so much a believer in love, it could get more gasgas than that at wala akong pakialam! haha What’s important is when time and chance conspired once again, you know how to recognize love love love. Hayyy…my knees are starting to get weak

Ok, that’s what I’ve been trying to say here, props lang yun ulan at aso. He-he

I guess the night just performed a miracle.

Because I was never so admitting nor am I so accepting of my vulnerabilities.

Never.

But tonight I simply gave up and it never felt this good.

As the world tries to survive, I must learn how to live.

When we made it here there was not a hole in the universe that was made for us to easily fit.

And I can’t tell yet which star is mine.

Somewhere beyond my eyes could see there’s a place for me and there he’d also be.

My life’s not too exciting.

It is even boring.

But sometimes I can’t help but think it is stranger than fiction.

Last night was crazy fun. ‘Twas a Saturday. Black Saturday. I spent the day working, watching the streets. Everybody’s out except me. Everybody’s having fun, except me, again. So I thought of going out with my dear friends, texted them, sadly may lovelife yun isa kaya hindi sya available.

6:30 pm was when I got home from work. My night’s all planned (but not quite), unloaded the car with stuff that’s not too necessary to accompany me. Hinabilin ko lang yun black sling bag, not to take it away kasi andun wallet ko eh. So my brother parked the car and I went up to brush my teeth.

Must have been 6:45 when I reached a friend’s home. Greeted his mom, chika-chika ng konti, tinext yun isa pa namin kaibigan at tinawagan pa, kinulit, binulaga, binigla pero hindi na daw sya kaya ng biglaan naming diskarte kaya bigo kami. I noticed my black sling bag’s not in the car, hay sabi ng wag alisin eh! Wala akong pera dahil andun ang wallet ko, andun din ang lisensya ko. But i was too lazy to go back home. So, ito na muna kaibigan ko ang bahala sa bill ko, si batman na muna ang bahala sa pagda-drive ko ng walang lisensya. While driving along the streets without any clear idea where to go naisipan naming manood ng T2, tutal dadalawa naman kami, magtakutan nalang kami hehe But it’s almost half past 7pm, malamang di kami abot ng LFS but we tried anyway.

At ayun hindi nga kami umabot, we’re 15mins late. We thought about it, pwede na din sana kahit di namin mapanood yun first part but they just won’t sell us tickets. Bigo part 2.

While thinking of another “trip” we stood and wait at the circle (lahat yata ng mall may circle). And we saw a newly opened coffee shop, so pasok kami. Maganda naman yun ambience. Medyo mainit lang talaga ang panahon kaya we wanted to have some frappe.

“You serve coffee, right?” i had to ask kasi bago eh at tsaka they are mostly selling handicrafts that are all from Laguna.

“Yes,ma’am pero hot coffee na lang po ang available” sagot ng attendant. (Ano ba naman to).

“Can we have your menu?” Inabot ang menu.

MENU

Coffee

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah

Blah= represents the variety of drinks and coffee they serve.

Pasta

Spaghetti

Carbonara

–nothing follows–

Walang pastries. Ang corny naman spaghetti at mainit na kape. Hindi pa kami nagdi-dinner.

7:45 we thought SIGE NA NGA, KAPE NALANG.

“Until what time are you open?” tanong ko.

“Until 8pm po.”

Naku mukhang magmamadali kami nito sa pag-inom ng kape.

“Sige miss, thank you nalang.” Lumabas nalang kami. Bigo part 3.

“CPBS?” Deal.

Past 8pm, CPBS.

Kami palang ang laman ng parking lot. Too early, sabagay hindi naman kami pumunta para talaga mag-inom. Kain trip lang talaga, tsaka yun malapit para di nakaka-stress.

“Good evening sir, ma’am!” we were greeted.

Sobrang accommodating yun attendant, as in sobra. Nakaka-pikon din kaya yun! Agree ka? Hehe

Walang frappe, kaya nauwi kami sa shake.

They serve sandwiches, great.

They also have pasta, sabi pa nga nun waiter:

“Yes sir meron, medyo matagal nga lang kasi hindi naman po kami katulad ng Jolibee na pre-cooked na ang pasta”. (may halong pagkukumpara pa!Tignan nga natin ang pasta nyo. Hehe)

We talked about a great deal of things. How things have been. We talked about age and reason, how circumstances can make us feel old or young before our time. We talked about the decisions we made to help us alter our wrong ways. We talked about our perfect world and how an asshole would always appear in the picture. We talked about certain people. How hard it is to get over them. I talked about how a person could be so imperfect in our eyes, in our mind, in our senses, but they’re all we’ve ever wanted in our hearts and we love them despite the imperfections. We talked about our other friend, murdered her through our words (kidding!), how she had found someone who seem normal enough and we are sincerely happy for her. I talked about standards and asked his opinion about mine which he quickly dismissed, said it’s history and he already gave his say long time ago. We even talked about religion, how the old tradition had somehow became a show off – showing off beaus, the material stuff, the clothes they wear, and their stand in the community. We talked about them not in the green-eyed manner, not in a judgemental way but just through our observations. We tried to dismiss the all the negativity. Said it’s better to just think of all the good things that had happened but I thought perhaps those are the things that make it hard, knowing you’re happy but that happiness isn’t just yours. He said someday I’ll marry, have kids, I’d be happy in love and I would just laugh at the thought of these present sentiments. But that’s the thing there, existing at the present moment, where everything is so real. He said I lost some screw and I haven’t fixed anything kaya ‘wag ako mag-expect. I said I needed time because this is how I deal. He even said an old cliché, “there’s a purpose in it” and we both laughed, as loud as we could because there is something strange with the common saying, you get to hear it only when you are troubled. “Troubled in a perfect world?” We laughed at the irony. We’ve always been cheerful yet we tried to cheer each other more. Gave each other an advice from our realization over the past weeks and months that we’re not out together. I wanted to ask him something but then I caught myself because I knew the answer in my heart so I made that question to appear like a statement.

“We are not good seeing each other more often than we do. Pang once in a blue moon lang talaga ang drama natin, ano sa palagay mo? Coz I was thinking since I need to finally keep balance in my life, I’d like to ask you, how often can you do this? I mean going out, but then I thought right away, we are better this way and beyond this we are no good.”

“Yeah, we’re so much the same. We have a tendency to clash kaya mabuti nang ganito nalang.”

I smiled.

It’s that innate feeling, the knowing that keeps our friendship apart from any other friendship. And how I wish I could be that ready and intrinsic in other aspect. Yun tipong hindi nagha-hangad more than I can only have. Wish I could be that brave to accept what’s only in store for me with that someonelse’s heart. I knew I was loved because I was deserving and kahit sinong karapat-dapat eh minamahal. But that ain’t something we wish of having in our lives.

“We seek to give and not to receive”. I said.

He said we seek for both and it’s insane to say we just came for the former and not the latter.

And yes, I also hope that though I may appear so imperfect in that someone else’s eye, he’d love me despite. Somehow I need to feel the presence of that someone while I am walking alone in the path. He doesn’t have to be outside the looking glass while I am inside being consumed, confused.

On our way home I said I could have drank more than I did para mas masaya ang drive pauwi pero sabi nya buti nalang hindi.

By the time we got home I realized I AM THE ASSHOLE IN MY OWN PERFECT WORLD.

Thank you.

And by the way, I owe you for my bill